No, not you and me. I mean the person in the third row who seems to think an 8 AM lecture on physiology is their personal TED Talk Time.

Actually, let's rewind. I'm a few weeks into this medical school experiment (a recurring thought: what the hell have I signed up for?), and I'm just starting to get the lay of the land. I've identified a good coffee machine, a bathroom with reliable plumbing, and, most importantly, the two species of classmate that are annoying af: The Asskisser (TM) and the Medfluencer (frequently, the person is both).

Let's start with The Asskisser. You know this person. They are one of the precious select few who cannot go through one class session without attracting spotlight on themselves (useless questions, overdressing, starting a rumor, wanna be "friends" with everyone without making any connection on any level, etc). Often, their hand is in the air before the professor has even finished their sentence, ready to unleash a query that is almost guaranteed to be completely pointless. The motivation: pure, unadulterated, grade-A sycophancy. They are still operating on the pre-med principle that the number of questions asked is directly proportional to the quality of the letter of recommendation they will receive in three years or whatever. They haven't yet realized that our preclinical years are pass/fail, and the residency directors will only care about our Step 2 score (among other things). Their incessant questioning is not about learning; it's about being seen learning. It's a performance for an audience of one: the professor. The rest of us are just unwilling extras in their one-person show, "Look How Smart I Am." To them I say:

a) Stop being a moron

b) Stop asking questions

c) GTFO and don't waste our time.

Then let's move on to "content creators," aka Medfluencers. Their hand also goes up, but it's with their iPhone 20348 version armed with the latest filter and whatever privacy-violating facechat/app/mind rot du jour.

Their "questions" (all fake) are always prefaced with a dramatic sigh and a deep, BS musing. "Professor," they may begin, their voice dripping with a feigned intellectualism, "while I find the neurophysiology of synapses and neurotransmitters absolutely fascinating, I can't help but think about how we, as future clinicians, can better communicate these complex ideas to our patients... What are your thoughts on using, say, a 30-second TikTok video to explain the complex ANS system?"

They are not here to learn medicine; they are here to curate the experience of learning medicine for their followers. Every "sneak peek in med school" is a potential viral video, a chance to grow their brand, to secure another sponsorship from a (shitty) company/sponsor.

Hey yo, we can all see through your bullshit.

While the Asskisser is annoying since like ...preschool, the Medfluencer is a byproduct of the modern, social media-dopamine rush-insta gratification crazed world. One is a symptom of a broken pre-med system; the other is a symptom of a fractured society. Both, however, are a colossal waste of every med student's time on top of an already useless lecture.

So, what's the solution? Easy. STFU.

We need to talk.

Heart Failure.